I called my daughter today to discuss an issue I wanted her help on in the future.  As I was trying to summarize a long story I was leaving out details and she didn’t understand what I was trying to explain causing aggravation as we talked.  Consequently the first thing I decided was:

First lesson: it’s not always good to summarize. Often all the details are needed.

During our conversation I upset Sherry because the subject was sensitive and she became confrontational.  I have the gift of making Sherry so provoked that before we finish our conversation we are never able to get to the point of what I called for.  Even though this wasn’t about us she felt the pain we were trying to stop for someone else.  Therefore we began feeling hostile and often you pick at each other and don’t even realize it.

Second lesson:  learn to preempt the conversation by saying this is going to be a tough subject would you help me out and listen before you react?  Thus giving her time to sense you’re calling for help and not trying to upset her…therefore she doesn’t hear what you called for and if she can help…

The subject was not about us; it was someone I was searching for an idea to help.  However, I’ve experienced getting caught up in the problem and its drama and not being able to focus on what you’re trying to do too resolve it.

Third lesson: think about what you have to say, and have the issues clearly described before you begin talking.  Eliminate the drama and go to the facts explaining how you think they can help. Hence, being counterproductive and not accomplishing anything.

So when I called my daughter today and she became frustrated; instead of us getting mad at each other…which can sometimes happen.  I was able to say Sher, let’s talk when you’re not so hot. She was annoyed because it was a tough issue and we both knew it would be a difficult to help. As a result I’m writing to say all problems can be complex. Even when they are not within your family it doesn’t mean you can’t feel the pain and frustration when you can’t always heal them.  Because we’re a provoking kind of family; we can often get mad at each other when we’re really not.  It’s the frustration of not being able to fix the problem.

And since my cancer, yes I really mean my last experience with cancer.   I’ve mellowed, stood back and tried to help myself as well as my family.  I’m trying not to be so spirited, staying focused and trying to figure out how to resolve issues without yelling and swearing.  (A gift given to me by my mom…and bless her soul, I love her).  However, she always swore and passed her yelling and swearing on to me.  I in turn, passed it on to my daughter and I’m hoping we can stop the cycle change our way of expression.  I call it a footprint over my brain.  If I think about the three lessons above before a phone conversation with Sherry; I’ll be able to make progress and finish a phone conversation without irritation.     I’ve made great strides with yelling and now my goal is to stop completely of swearing, (I am better).  The real problem; it was second nature and never seemed serious or defensive.

I’m not looking for nasty criticism here, and I’m not blaming this on my mom.  She was a wonderful lady and gave her whole life to her family.  Everyday was a day for mom to give something to someone.  Our mom’s biggest treat was bingo the rest of her life was trying to make someone who it needed feel better.  The idea that she swore didn’t phase us we knew it was her way.  What I hadn’t considered was that it also became mine.  Consequently this is not a bash momma day.  Its learning and growing where and when you can.  When I didn’t start yelling at my daughter today, I knew I was making progress.  Instead, I told her we’d talk when she wasn’t so hostile.  That enabled me to bring up the subject again in the future.  We didn’t argue and get mad at each other for no reason.  This often happens and creates stress between us and we automatically allow a cooling off period before we talk again.   No period required this time and I felt empowered by my ability to not get provoked for any cause. After all I was calling Sherry for help not disagreement.  This wasn’t our problem it was something I was hoping I could make a positive contribution too. 

Therefore listen up if you will…  Communication with your family and friends is critical and only you can change how you project yourself.  I’m trying to be wiser (shouldn’t I at this age)? Use my wit and wisdom not polluted mouth; enjoy a positive not negative surroundings.  Does this make any sense to anyone out there?  Do you sometimes end up arguing with someone you love because of a subject that doesn’t even concern you?  Yet it’s so emotional you quarrel with the person you’re discussing it with? Doesn’t even make sense does it?  However, I’m on it and making a change in my life.  One of many changes towards a more stable me…  Thanks and have a great week. I’ll be back soon.