My friend always feels so much anguish from her mom how can I help?

My friend called me sobbing the other night she was locked upstairs in a small bathroom at her mom’s home, sobbing about her relationship with her mother whom she’d never been able to please, and I wondered is this possible could a women in her sixties and a mother in her eighties still not be able to give up the unpleasant feelings each harbored for the other and enjoy the time they had left together because her mom is older.

Her mom had always been a depressing person to be around she’d had a difficult marriage where there didn’t seem to be much love or appreciation of each other forcing her to build walls and live in a world of isolation and loneliness Through the years she began purchasing from Home Shopping and has accumulated thousands of dollars in collectables which allowed her to control and feel joy for something she made the choices and decisions to purchase when and where she wished.  Her children and grandchildren were there however it never seemed she couldn’t connect and establish any kind of relationship of feeling wanted within her world so they stayed away knowing they loved her no matter what she was unable to give them in family time or the normal joys of being family. However these issues cause children to remember and feel anxiety towards their mom which are not repairable and we must learn to accept them and move forward in spite of our history the toughest feelings we can have are memories of a child and adult time which is less then what we really long for however they are there and time will only make them seem less important if you are able to accept them and understand it’s the way it was and let it be once again most problems in life that are past bare no silver bullet to make them go away and remembering and then letting go is often the only thing left to do.

My friend through the years always tried to spend time and be with her mother she longed to be loved and she wished her mom would tell her how proud she was of her as a daughter and how lucky she was to have her company.  However, what we need and wish for sometimes can never be and we can spend a lifetime lamenting and still it will never happen. Thus, I listened that night on the phone this week and my heart ached as I knew there could never be peace for my friend I didn’t say much because I didn’t know what I could say to ease her hurt and pain.  I know so well there are things we can’t change wish though we may and I also realize life is rarely fair.  So I told her I loved her and I knew what a wonderful person she was (I’ve been her friend for over 40 years) and I suggested she focus on the friends she knew who love and thought so highly of her heart and soul and recognize the giving person she is to all of us.  And with no seemingly great answer for her I asked her to read this post before I put it on grammology and she cried and I thought there is no manual we read before we have our children which makes you a good or better mother and God knows we don’t get to choose who will be our parents however if we accept them for giving us life and strive to enjoy whatever we are able to salvage from a difficult relationship I fear it’s all we can do and when it’s our turn try to do better in how we love our children.  My friend has a step daughter she loves who is having their first baby and I told her to love her daughter and fill her new grandchild with all the love and joy she longs for and as many of us know there is no better feeling in life.

I love you guys you are my psychiatrist and counselor as I meander through life trying to support and help those I love…  Dorothy