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Don’t tell anyone when I die!

12 August 2009 18 Comments

When you die should you choose how you’ll finish your life on this earth?

Connie was a lovely older lady age 85 who had lived beyond the years one could have guessed when she was diagnosed with brain cancer over four years ago she was my husband’s sister in law’s mother and died this week less then a year after her husband had passed as well. I watched her family and friends go up to her casket at the viewing and I heard them remark how good-looking and peaceful she was even after so much sickness and I found myself agreeing that she did appear well for her ordeal and the dress chosen by the family was lovely, she looked peaceful as though her last sighting on earth was filled with tranquility and you knew she was someplace better for eternity now, Connie was in heaven and the smile she was sporting told us all she was happier there then while she was here.

Connie would have approved of her last visit with everyone her family had done a good job for her and there was calm and peacefulness filling the room during the evening it truly was a celebration of her wonderful life you felt the love and years she’d been a mother and grandmother to her kids. I listened as everyone told stories about Connie which was filled with laughter and joy and how much you knew she loved her family and friends and as stated by many at different times; anyone who came into her life she’d share a kind word with and would give her last dollar to you if she thought you needed it along with her home for safe harbor and make you feel like she’d known you forever it sounded as though no one forgot Connie they all remembered her giving personality. No one had anything to say except what a beautiful person she was and how much she’d be missed here was a lady who had family and friends who loved her dearly and would wonder why they didn’t have just a little more time before she passed you couldn’t ask to be loved any more then what I felt as I was there last night observing the response of everyone coming to pay final tribute to this woman.

Which brings me to my quandary about my death which is imminent as we all know with life there is death it’s guaranteed and because I just finished battling cancer for the second time last year I had given my final stop here a lot of thought and I wondered were my initial plans still the same as they’d been last year while I was undergoing chemo therapy or did I have a change of heart as I had made my family promise not to tell anyone when I died just to have a mass at church with my siblings, daughter, my great and grandchildren and no one else and in reality I didn’t even want the church service however, it was my compromise as my family was furious that I didn’t want a wake or funeral I wanted nothing to do with a coffin, urn, or mass and get together afterwards I wanted zero to do with any of it. There would be precise instructions to donate my body to science and when they returned what was left to burn them and throw them to the wind I didn’t even care where.

Oh yes there had been many heated discussions with my daughter, one sister and my husband, each thought I was being very selfish as they felt the need for the funeral was theirs, they were the survivors and what must be done had to be what made them feel right never did the ceremony have anything to do with what I thought. I found the whole idea strange and to this moment I couldn’t fathom why my funeral should have to take their feelings into consideration wasn’t this my last hurrah, something I should be able to choose isn’t that why your bigger cemeteries’ advertise “let us help you make those difficult choices while you live so it’s not so difficult for your loved ones when your gone” thus, wasn’t I being brave offering my thoughts and ideas so no one had to wonder after I died? You’d think so except and my husband and daughter thought I was being selfish and ridiculous with my approach for finalizing my demise. Therefore the debate ensued and I had to be pretty careful as to how I laid out my plans realizing I’d not be here when it happened and they could just about do whatever they wanted and if it was going to be my way, I better prepare my thoughts and work hard at getting them to agree as to how to carry out this final process on my behalf.. For that reason my job would be complex and I better buckle up to help them understand how and why I desired my death to be different then most people; exclusive of the viewing and ceremony and why this meant so much to me and could they carry out my wishes instead of theirs when my time comes?

Thus as many of my readers already know me and recognize my unusual personality and me sharing my thoughts whether you want them or not does this make my idea of how to end my time here a surprise to you that is that I don’t want the traditional ending to my time here that my idea of the end is not a usual funeral it none not even letting others know I’m gone, therefore my next post will outline what I’m hoping my family will do when I die and by the way I hope it’s not for at least another 35 years I’m praying God will give me at least that much time which will make me 98 and of course that is only if my quality of life is good I don’t want to be here if I’m not healthy mentally and physically I want to live only if I’m in great condition as when my natural dad died a few years ago he was in his late 90’s and he was healthy and alert just the way I want to be therefore late 90’s here I come and if you want to hear more about my ideas, I’ll write it sometime this week because I’m praying my family will do what they say and honor my plans. And I wonder have you ever discussed this with your family so they know how you feel about cemeteries, funeral parlors being laid out all those dreary things we are accustomed to doing when we die because when you think about it the only thing we’re guaranteed in this world is death and taxes and you may have some specifics your family or friends should know before it’s too late. (Part two my funeral or lack there of)

18 Comments »

PJ said:

this topic is not something that is easy to discuss with family. the only thing that i told my children is that when i am gone i want to be cremated and i want them to take my ashes and plant a weeping willow tree with them. plant it somewhere that they will be able to go to whenever they want and sit underneath and just hang out with me. i want it planted in a place with grass and wild flowers so that my grand children will be able to run and play. that’s all i want.

# 12 August 2009 at 5:05 pm

Kat said:

Can’t do it….
Have tried on numerous occasions, but I can’t do it. It is hard!!

I have left you a little love over on my blog, congrats!

Kat

# 12 August 2009 at 8:01 pm

A.Marie said:

Hello there! Thanks for your nice comment on my blog! I really like this post; it reminded me of when my Mom and Aunt talked to my Grandma about how she wanted matters handled after she passed away. My Grandma really appreciated it, as she was able to pick out her own dress, shoes, special pin that she wanted on her dress, casket open or closed, songs, etc. My Grandma lived about 3 years after “the talk,” and she would often say things like, “now remember, I have my dress all picked out, and everything is in order…”

She might not have been able to control the aging process, but she made it very clear that her mind was still fully operational! Bless her heart; she lived until she was almost 94!

# 13 August 2009 at 5:46 am

Grampy said:

I have had a talk with my brother. He let me know exactly what he wanted. A hard thing to do. My wife and I also discussed it.

# 13 August 2009 at 9:27 am

Anne Marie said:

As one of your closest friends, I would be VERY VERY upset to call one day and find out you were no longer here. I think you are being really selfish, your friends really love you. Please don’t make your family promice not to let us know. As far as your other wishes that I will give you.

# 13 August 2009 at 9:50 am

Linda from Grammology said:

Don’t Our Mothers Deserve This Choice?
My grandmother told us exactly what she wanted when she died. It was simple: no wake, no announcement, no funeral….just the family gathering, saying their last goodbyes and then cremation. No embalming, no big casket. Simple.

When my Dad called me to tell me my grandmother had died, we all knew the plan. There was no bickering, decision making, confusion.

We came–her sisters, brothers, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We held hands, cried, laughed and embraced, surrounding her.

Afterward, we went to my Aunt Lou’s house for pasta broccoli and cooked and talked about my Grandmother’s life. It was as wonderful and peaceful and tender as it sounds and it remains as one of the most poignant times of my life. I will never forget it.

My grandmother was right. Instead of memories of arrangements, to do lists, schedules, limousines, exhaustion, dozens of hellos and handshakes—we have memories of beautiful togetherness…filled with tears, laughter and the knowledge that my grandmother would have been very happy to see the generations together in her name.

Sound familiar? I really relate to what Dorothy desires.

This summer, when my mother came for a visit, she told me, as she does almost every year, her wishes for how we handle things when she dies—she knows that I will ABSOLUTELY carry them out.

I may or may not agree with her desires….but what better, unselfish way to honor the life of a great matriarch–a woman who is always unconditionally there for her family, doing everything they need of her; seldom putting her needs first–than to do it HER way.

I fully intend to let her life pass in a way of HER choosing, she deserves this and so much more.

# 13 August 2009 at 8:54 pm

OldOldLady Of The Hills said:

Here is the thing I think we all have to remember: It’s those left bnehind who need to be able to grieve and to say goodbye, etc. I remember when I was quite young, I didn’t understand the whole idea of “mourninh”…or wearing black for a year, etc…I thought it was ridiculoud! I dknow now that most people NEED a period of mourning—some need a lifetime, some a year or 10….The point is, Funerals OR Memorial Services OR Celebrations of the departed’s life, is important to those who are left behind. Does it really matter what happens with all this after you are dead??? I mean, you are not going to know, anyway. I understand telling family and friends your wishes as to Burial or Cremation, etc., But honestly, I do not understand all the rest–No Ceremony’s of any kind…. To me that is quite cruel, and frankly, I don’t believe I would honor that, knowing how important it is for those who are still here and ALIVE to be able to have some “rituals” of some kind, that help them through the pain of their loss.
Just my opinion, my dear.
I know that during the late 80’s and into the 90’s, before the AIDS Cocktail, so many people who were dear to me died….If all of us who loved them had not been able to Celebrate each of their lives—it would have been unbearable, beyond words…..And impossible to go on, too.

# 15 August 2009 at 3:13 pm

Dorothy Stahlnecker said:

I wondered if I’d have conflict with my feelings toward my funeral which I pray is many years away, however, I’m not sure how to respond to some of the comments. I do understand I won’t be here and there should be serious consideration for those left to mourn me however, isn’t it acceptable to mourn while we live? When I write my second part I was going to mention how I hoped my party would go long before I pass that life should be filled with celebration with friends and family about death well before we die and all the things you ever wanted to say said while I’m here. Most of you know me through grammology however not personally and there is very few things I think or feel that I don’t share with those I care about and I truly am gifted in as much as how I encourage all my important friends and family to share there good and bad thoughts as well. Therefore my hope is that when I’m gone there will be no need to gather and mourn as we will have done it together far before life ends and no one will feel the need to be in a cold funeral parlor with several other people most people who knew me know I’d rather not have in my territory for my last hurray. I’ll explain when I write in a few days as I’m making sure I’m able to explain it right and you’ll consider my side as well.

Thanks so much for all your comments good and bad as that’s what this blog is about and what I hope my life is as well throwing it all on the table and getting it sorted and resolved however long it takes.

Blessings and please keep coming back and telling me how you feel it really has an impact on me and my life and it’s all good in the end as it keeps me grounded.

Dorothy

# 15 August 2009 at 10:51 pm

Petula said:

You know, I don’t think I really care about my funeral or anything surrounding it. I just want someone to turn away the people who come to my funeral who never showed up when I needed them in life. That way, there will hardly be anyone there.

# 16 August 2009 at 6:18 pm

Robin Easton said:

My dear beautiful friend, you would not believe HOW much I relate to this. I cannot encourage you enough to do what YOU need to do for your OWN death when the times comes. And I believe it will quite some time before it does come.

If they feel the funeral is for them and pressure you to do it for them, then I would say to anyone who said that to me, “Okay, are YOU willing to do your funeral the way “I” want it done?”

I think that is too much to ask of anyone. If they want to feel close to you and grieve in a certain way and share certain things with family and friends (like people do at traditional funerals) then I say share those things NOW while you are living. Say those things, grieve those things, share those things NOW!

Believe or not my husband and I do this, and neither of us even close to death. He is one person who I can do this with and he “gets it”. It’s not like we are morbid or that either of us has a death wish or that we wallow in darkness. We don’t. We both fill our days with abundant living. It’s just that we talk about it now and not only talk about it, but share and explore the feelings we would feel when it happens. Neither of would ever dream of disregarding each others wishes.

I may be wrong here and other people may not like it, but I say, “Trust your heart and listen to what YOU need; this is YOUR life and it will one day be YOUR death.” They may have issues of letting go that they need to express now with you and each other and all the people they love. It’s not easy for any of us, at any time. But if you notice kids they will explore the emotions of things that haven’t even happened, as long as they aren’t conditioned not to. They will talk open about how they’d feel if they lost so and so, or if this happened and they will express the full blown emotions attached to those “possible” events. Kids are smart and know to prepare and express and not hold things in given the opportunity. I am the same way. I explore all these emotions and in doing so it makes dang sure that I really know how I feel about things and that I don’t take anything or anyone for granted.

One day coming home from the a trip we talked in the car about what we each wanted and we cried and laughed and if you think YOUR is bizarre wait until you hear mine, as it is a post I’ve started and will post sometime.

Forgive my rant. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and respect all feelings expressed here or in your family. However, something you have encouraged in me just in being YOU is to express how I really feel. And my gut says this is YOUR soul and you must follow the dictates of your heart, whatever that is at any given moment. You are bold, outspoken and you know who you are and what you want in almost any given situation. You have encourage me to be more of who I already am: bold, outspoken and knowing what I want. For that I thank you with all my heart. Love, Robin

PS And if you changed your mind tomorrow about all this or in a years time, I would respect you JUST AS MUCH!!

# 16 August 2009 at 9:49 pm

celticmusicfan said:

Thank you for addressing this issue. A lot of people are not as brave and are not as focused as this post of yours. I am living with an aunt who is approaching her mid 80’s. It is always great to have insights and wisdom so that we will know how to deal with the inevitable. It makes me sad sometimes but then again looking at death straight in the eye makes one appreciate being alive.

# 28 August 2009 at 6:11 am

Stacey Sheehan said:

Umm Dorothy….

I won’t need to be ” told” I will certainly know when your gone……

The candy dish on my desk will be fuller for one!!!!

And everyone in this building will be bawling their eyes out.

That is all I am saying on this because I KNOW you will be here for many many healthy years…brightening my work day as you breeze through.

Know NOW that you make a difference in my life… but remember that when someone is as wonderful as you are…we tend to talk about them for many years after they leave us.

Big Hugs,

Stacey

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# 13 September 2009 at 10:05 pm

Evita said:

Fantastic thoughts and reflections you shared here Dorothy!

I applaud you for the decisions you have made and the choices that surround your death. I really like your ideas.

I think people around us really get attached to the idea of “a body” and the meaning attached to it or the flowers, or coffins or services, etc. But in ultimate reality all of us have had many bodies, this one is no more special than the one before or the one to come. Yes our body is a special vessel, but this goes deeper I feel – more about lessons about attachment.

Ultimately we are spirit and eternal. I think how we choose to approach our death should be our idea, and love on both sides should be unconditional to uphold that.

# 28 October 2009 at 11:46 am

Jeanne said:

Dorothy,

Hello! Thank you for visiting my blog today.

Last December, I blogged about the issues you discuss here with a post called “Engage With Grace: The One Slide Project”. There were links to write-ups about this project in The Boston Globe and USA Today about it but, essentially, it is an initiative to get people talking globally with their loved ones about their wishes and about end-of-life decisions. I’m certain you would appreciate the post which has the newspaper links I mentioned plus it also contains a very moving video by Alexandra Drane that explains how The One Slide Project got started. I know you’d like it!

Like you, I believe that a person should be able to share his/her wishes with loved ones before passing on in an effort to communicate what those wishes are. My husband and I (in our 40s) have discussed these issues and he and I would never deviate from each other’s wishes.

With me being severely chronically ill with multiple conditions, I made him my health care proxy at age 30 and talking about these death-related matters comes naturally to him as he watched his grandparents die (including seeing some pretty traumatic stuff) and he has done a fair amount of self-reflection (without being morbid) on death and dying. Having had 7 surgeries and having had cancer removed during one of them plus having had some other “mortality scares” myself, I understand that one can’t help but ponder these issues when one has gone through the “scares”. It forces you to think about it.

That said, I am not judging your loved ones for feeling differently than you do. I fully comprehend that the rituals and traditions that are more “traditional” than what you may wish for can be a comfort to those left behind. I understand where they are coming from there. (Though I disagree with labeling you as selfish for expressing your wishes)!

I’m sure they must have strong feelings about the way things are “supposed to be done” and your requested method of exit doesn’t fit their paradigm… or so I’m guessing. I’m guessing they don’t mean to hurt you and simply don’t understand where you’re coming from since it’s foreign to them. It may even boil down to that they are uncomfortable with HOW to do what you’re asking when clearly people will be asking them questions like, “when are the services?”, “when is the funeral?”, etc.

They are probably at a loss as to how to explain it to people and they know that they will be upset and stressed out enough then without having to explain your wishes to everyone who asks all those pesky traditional questions. Granted, you could get the word out to those people beforehand to lessen the burden on your loved ones when they are dealing with their grief.

In a perfect world, if you pass on before they do, they will honor your wishes. Obviously, once you’ve passed on you won’t have any control over what they do.

My husband and I are very much of the belief that celebrating the life lived is far preferable than dwelling on the loss. This is not to say that anyone has a right to tell another “how to grieve”. This is a personal process.

There is no right or wrong in these matters, in my opinion. You have every right to express your wishes and one can only hope they will be honored. At the same time, I don’t think your loved ones are “wrong” to hold to their beliefs either.

Often these rituals are steeped in everything from religious “rules” to “family traditions” to people’s spiritual beliefs.

If I were in your shoes, I would just keep being open and honest wish your family about how much it means to you that they respect your wishes, not focus on the topic too much (thus creating friction and disagreement), and trust that they will honor your wishes ultimately… since you have made them well aware of them.

This “taboo” topic is hard for many people to discuss. For others, like your family, it’s difficult for them to conceive of a plan so radically different than what they believe is “right” or “proper”. I think some of that stems back to societal conditioning and pressure about the “right” way to handle such matters.

To me, just because the vast majority of people have a funeral and/or viewing doesn’t mean it’s mandatory. Some would disagree.

You’re doing the right thing expressing your wishes while you are lucid and able to make your own decisions. In the end, if you pass on first, you’ll have to trust them to honor your wishes.

Wonderful post on a topic that affects everyone at some point in time (whether as the survivor left behind or as the person passing on… which we all will eventually)…

I would like to close with a quote from a character in the book “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” by J.K. Rowling:

“It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more”. ~~ Professor Dumbledore

Pretty profound for a “children’s book”, don’t you think?

Jeanne

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