“ The bad information is accurate but we can erase it anyway!” NOT TRUE!!!! If this means lying to the credit reporting agency, it is illegal. Credit repair companies cannot remove a bankruptcy from your credit report, period. The bankruptcy will remai…

Hello! Thank you for visiting my blog today.

Last December, I blogged about the issues you discuss here with a post called “Engage With Grace: The One Slide Project”. There were links to write-ups about this project in The Boston Globe and USA Today about it but, essentially, it is an initiative to get people talking globally with their loved ones about their wishes and about end-of-life decisions. I’m certain you would appreciate the post which has the newspaper links I mentioned plus it also contains a very moving video by Alexandra Drane that explains how The One Slide Project got started. I know you’d like it!

Like you, I believe that a person should be able to share his/her wishes with loved ones before passing on in an effort to communicate what those wishes are. My husband and I (in our 40s) have discussed these issues and he and I would never deviate from each other’s wishes.

With me being severely chronically ill with multiple conditions, I made him my health care proxy at age 30 and talking about these death-related matters comes naturally to him as he watched his grandparents die (including seeing some pretty traumatic stuff) and he has done a fair amount of self-reflection (without being morbid) on death and dying. Having had 7 surgeries and having had cancer removed during one of them plus having had some other “mortality scares” myself, I understand that one can’t help but ponder these issues when one has gone through the “scares”. It forces you to think about it.

That said, I am not judging your loved ones for feeling differently than you do. I fully comprehend that the rituals and traditions that are more “traditional” than what you may wish for can be a comfort to those left behind. I understand where they are coming from there. (Though I disagree with labeling you as selfish for expressing your wishes)!

I’m sure they must have strong feelings about the way things are “supposed to be done” and your requested method of exit doesn’t fit their paradigm… or so I’m guessing. I’m guessing they don’t mean to hurt you and simply don’t understand where you’re coming from since it’s foreign to them. It may even boil down to that they are uncomfortable with HOW to do what you’re asking when clearly people will be asking them questions like, “when are the services?”, “when is the funeral?”, etc.

They are probably at a loss as to how to explain it to people and they know that they will be upset and stressed out enough then without having to explain your wishes to everyone who asks all those pesky traditional questions. Granted, you could get the word out to those people beforehand to lessen the burden on your loved ones when they are dealing with their grief.

In a perfect world, if you pass on before they do, they will honor your wishes. Obviously, once you’ve passed on you won’t have any control over what they do.

My husband and I are very much of the belief that celebrating the life lived is far preferable than dwelling on the loss. This is not to say that anyone has a right to tell another “how to grieve”. This is a personal process.

There is no right or wrong in these matters, in my opinion. You have every right to express your wishes and one can only hope they will be honored. At the same time, I don’t think your loved ones are “wrong” to hold to their beliefs either.

Often these rituals are steeped in everything from religious “rules” to “family traditions” to people’s spiritual beliefs.

If I were in your shoes, I would just keep being open and honest wish your family about how much it means to you that they respect your wishes, not focus on the topic too much (thus creating friction and disagreement), and trust that they will honor your wishes ultimately… since you have made them well aware of them.

This “taboo” topic is hard for many people to discuss. For others, like your family, it’s difficult for them to conceive of a plan so radically different than what they believe is “right” or “proper”. I think some of that stems back to societal conditioning and pressure about the “right” way to handle such matters.

To me, just because the vast majority of people have a funeral and/or viewing doesn’t mean it’s mandatory. Some would disagree.

You’re doing the right thing expressing your wishes while you are lucid and able to make your own decisions. In the end, if you pass on first, you’ll have to trust them to honor your wishes.

Wonderful post on a topic that affects everyone at some point in time (whether as the survivor left behind or as the person passing on… which we all will eventually)…

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I would like to close with a quote from a character in the book “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” by J.K. Rowling:

“It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more”. ~~ Professor Dumbledore

Pretty profound for a “children’s book”, don’t you think?

Jeanne

I applaud you for the decisions you have made and the choices that surround your death. I really like your ideas.

I think people around us really get attached to the idea of “a body” and the meaning attached to it or the flowers, or coffins or services, etc. But in ultimate reality all of us have had many bodies, this one is no more special than the one before or the one to come. Yes our body is a special vessel, but this goes deeper I feel – more about lessons about attachment.

Ultimately we are spirit and eternal. I think how we choose to approach our death should be our idea, and love on both sides should be unconditional to uphold that.

nsqcrsak…

Long- time followers of this blog – you rule – the people make the blog!…

I won’t need to be ” told” I will certainly know when your gone……

The candy dish on my desk will be fuller for one!!!!

And everyone in this building will be bawling their eyes out.

That is all I am saying on this because I KNOW you will be here for many many healthy years…brightening my work day as you breeze through.

Know NOW that you make a difference in my life… but remember that when someone is as wonderful as you are…we tend to talk about them for many years after they leave us.

Big Hugs,

Stacey

If they feel the funeral is for them and pressure you to do it for them, then I would say to anyone who said that to me, “Okay, are YOU willing to do your funeral the way “I” want it done?”

I think that is too much to ask of anyone. If they want to feel close to you and grieve in a certain way and share certain things with family and friends (like people do at traditional funerals) then I say share those things NOW while you are living. Say those things, grieve those things, share those things NOW!

Believe or not my husband and I do this, and neither of us even close to death. He is one person who I can do this with and he “gets it”. It’s not like we are morbid or that either of us has a death wish or that we wallow in darkness. We don’t. We both fill our days with abundant living. It’s just that we talk about it now and not only talk about it, but share and explore the feelings we would feel when it happens. Neither of would ever dream of disregarding each others wishes.

I may be wrong here and other people may not like it, but I say, “Trust your heart and listen to what YOU need; this is YOUR life and it will one day be YOUR death.” They may have issues of letting go that they need to express now with you and each other and all the people they love. It’s not easy for any of us, at any time. But if you notice kids they will explore the emotions of things that haven’t even happened, as long as they aren’t conditioned not to. They will talk open about how they’d feel if they lost so and so, or if this happened and they will express the full blown emotions attached to those “possible” events. Kids are smart and know to prepare and express and not hold things in given the opportunity. I am the same way. I explore all these emotions and in doing so it makes dang sure that I really know how I feel about things and that I don’t take anything or anyone for granted.

One day coming home from the a trip we talked in the car about what we each wanted and we cried and laughed and if you think YOUR is bizarre wait until you hear mine, as it is a post I’ve started and will post sometime.

Forgive my rant. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and respect all feelings expressed here or in your family. However, something you have encouraged in me just in being YOU is to express how I really feel. And my gut says this is YOUR soul and you must follow the dictates of your heart, whatever that is at any given moment. You are bold, outspoken and you know who you are and what you want in almost any given situation. You have encourage me to be more of who I already am: bold, outspoken and knowing what I want. For that I thank you with all my heart. Love, Robin

PS And if you changed your mind tomorrow about all this or in a years time, I would respect you JUST AS MUCH!!