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What to think about your kids and how they love and have sex today

24 October 2009 26 Comments

Teen Relationships

Teen’s safe sex, in and out of love what’s it mean?

I wrote this post in March of this year..just found it hope you like it…

I’m writing a series regarding the different kinds of love we experience hoping I’ll understand what our young teens think and feel about falling in and out of love today.

Everywhere we look it seems our children are becoming more provocative and I’m hoping to establish common ground between parents that are willing to discuss the subject of intimacy (sexual behavior) their child may be participating in with their friends. After seeing the thirteen year old teen who fathered a child there was little denying that our kids could use some direction as to how far they should go with their actions and the expectations should come from their parents. I’m not suggesting all kids are having sex at 13 however I’ve heard enough families go into to shock as they find out how many teens are drinking participating in drugs and pharmacy meds and yes many times they’re having sex as well. To increase my concern I was having an innocent conversation with a fourteen year old boy and he blurted out he practiced safe sex and seemed content that he’d been so smart to not have to worry about the possible repercussions of instead having traditional sex. I didn’t know where to look as I gathered my composure and said I’m pleased that at your age you don’t have to worry about fathering a child and then we didn’t discuss it anymore although I knew at that moment my being so unprepared for this subject would never happen again as I would ponder and determine my plan of attack the next time I ended up in any conversation of this kind. I doubt I’m alone and I estimate there are many parents and grandparents who need to know what to expect today regarding kids in school and where they socialize with their friends and if they are faced with this kind of conversation with their child in the future they have some ideas of how to respond not go speechless as I did.

I was also surprised to learn many teens don’t think you have to be in love to have sex instead they observe “friends with benefits” an accepted conduct among young teens who show no guilt or consider waiting for a relationship before they participate in sex instead satisfy their immediate physical needs when they want via the benefits concept and no obligations after to each other after the physical act. I’m certain the media and marketing companies wanting to sell their products to this generation promote goods by using sexy clothes and sensual images in commercials as we all know sex sells therefore once again influencing our children to act older younger and further watch some of the newer teen idol television shows in the evenings and observe how they are acting more like 18 and 19 years olds as young teens living lives we reserved for college not middle and high school. I understand things are different today however does everything lead back to sex is there no thought of committing and loving someone any more is it merely come down to gratifying the physical needs not worrying about going steady or staying with one person anymore. This leads me to assume love for younger people today may have a new meaning they’ll love their families however girl and boyfriends will become history replaced by “special benefits” they’ve developed not requiring the other kinds of interaction we knew when we were young teens maintaining that puppy love and friendship instead they become detached. Even my older granddaughters are surprised at how quickly the younger kids move into adult arrangements today recognizing teaching them about love and its meaning is imperative if they will ever be able to understand a healthy relationship with someone in their future and not just have sex and then be on your own. Therefore my job, come to a decision on the different kinds of feelings we have and decide how to help our kids not think they have to experience everything in life before they are 16 giving them something to look forward to as they mature and experience other things such as graduating from high school and going to college not getting pregnant and passing up on the college experience instead learning patience and waiting for some things to happen later in life. And love oh that wonderful word discovering all the different kinds there are making it a journey filled with excitement and pleasure worth the wait and if chosen correctly it can last forever.

26 Comments »

Quilly said:

Two things most kids aren’t taught at home and should be — the details of sexual intimacy and the consequences (good and bad); and, money management. The words “don’t” and “save” are NOT education.

# 24 October 2009 at 7:49 pm

C said:

I know what you’re talking about. I’m part of the younger generation, but the behavior of my peers is mind-boggling, to me.

I guess I can truly say that I was raised very, very well.

I think it truly is a lack of teaching and instruction at home. I can remember every since I was 5 years old, my mama telling me that boys are only after one thing and that I’m not supposed to give it to them.

So, I think it’s really a matter of how cultured and “well-bred” you are at home.

Also, I never ever feel the need to mold into my peers’ behaviors and actions. I never fall to peer pressure. I have the attitude of “If you are all different from me, then there must be something wrong with all of YOU, not with ME!”

And so, there you have it!!!

# 25 October 2009 at 1:37 am

dorothy (author) said:

Thank you Quilly and C as you noticed I had this article for awhile and I was almost afraid to post it however I’m so concerned about the younger generation’s idea of commitment and sexual activity I felt compelled to do it, today you can talk and teach at home until your blue in the face and it helps, but once they get into school there is a strong influence they experience and we have to consider it’s affects on the kids as well.

Sometimes I wonder if grandparents should tour the schools and become the spokesman for their ideas and values hoping some part of it will stick thus thanks so much for your support and lets hope we come up with something we can do to help.

Dorothy from grammology

# 25 October 2009 at 7:45 am

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# 25 October 2009 at 10:43 pm

willie said:

Hello Dorothy,

A well-written blog entry with in-depth thought. The way i see it is that, we thought that young children having kids of their own is a modern phenomenon but actually, we are going backward. In Asian countries or in a third world countries, there are many young girls who become mothers because they couldn’t afford to go to schools or maybe in the western countries, long, long, time ago before education comes in, young girls were married and become mothers too.

We have been fighting against the idea of letting our teenagers becoming mothers because we believe, we can help our children to have better lives and that they have the rights to receive better education and economic well-being. That is why, in Malaysia,sex under 18 is absolutely forbidden and unlawful. We have the term “statutory rape” for sex (even consensual sex) under 18. The rapist can be jailed up to 20 years.

Religion is practiced and observed very well in Malaysia. It has been been emphasized in our school and universities that sex before marriage is sinful. Other than that, due to the closeness between parents and kids, children tend to listen to their parents more than their friends.

It is just that i am unsure on how long will this last.

# 26 October 2009 at 12:32 am

Mel Alarilla said:

Promiscuity and casual sex are sins yesterday and they are still sins today. Children reared in the traditional Christian values of honoring their bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit are more likely to refrain from indulging in casual sex. But peer pressure is so strong in western and other civilized countries that teenage girls are considered nerds if they are still virgins. Sex must be preserved for the sanctity of marriage. Thanks for the post. God bless you always.

# 26 October 2009 at 12:39 am

Grampy said:

It is a very tough world for the kids today.You can teach your children the right way.But if no one else does that is a problem.I feel it is a good idea to let the young ladies know that boys have a one track mind.The one thing that bothers me more is the men teaching there sons.The statement hey did you score or something similar should not be allowed.It is up to the fathers to teach the sons respect for women.But you have to have an open line of communication.Your daughter or son needs to be able to talk to you.If we leave it up to their peers,we are in a lot of trouble.Have a good day.

# 26 October 2009 at 10:09 am

Julie@Momspective said:

This is where I’m thankful I have boys. Even though they are of equal importance, I grew up as the youngest of four and my sister got pregnant at a very early age. I learned from her mistakes but I was sexually active as a teen and I remember how grown up I felt. I just want to get through to my boys to let them know to respect women and love a person before getting sexual with them.

# 26 October 2009 at 11:06 am

Maria @ Conversations with Moms said:

Thanks for sharing this important post. I’m glad that my kids are too young to be exposed to this conversation right now ( 4 yrs old and 11 months). I will be having this conversation with my boys though because I think its an important one. My parents avoided this talk all together and I sort of had to learn on my own.

# 26 October 2009 at 11:25 am

Russ said:

This is just a wonderful post.I wish everyone with children would read it and remember.Thanks for stopping by my blog.I have some ghost encounters that my wife and I had.Soon as I can dig them up.For now just happy Halloween and keep your eyes open.

# 26 October 2009 at 1:12 pm

askcherlock said:

I often say that I am glad my children are adults now and I don’t have to raise kids in today’s society. The influences outside the home are staggering. But I do agree that positive communication with your children is essential. Being open-minded without appearing shocked takes the advantage away from the kids and shows that the parent is open to discussion. I had two boys and a girl and that’s basically how I handled it. I was able to slip in my points of view and I truly believe those conversations helped.

# 26 October 2009 at 11:22 pm

Donald Swarbrick said:

I am glad I am not growing up today. There were enough problems in my generation, but todays youngsters are growing up too fast.

# 27 October 2009 at 4:55 am

A.Marie said:

This was a very well written post. My son is 15, and I am trying hard to raise him to be polite and respectful. I tell him that if his father and I don’t teach him morals and values, then we will have failed him.

# 27 October 2009 at 6:04 am

Queen Katherine said:

Ohhhh my, Dorothy. First of all, thank you for your insight into my debacle about the Princesses hair. Oh my.

I am totally on the same page with you. I’m in my mid-30s, and I think the “friends with benefits” became really popular/borderline acceptable with my generation. I was one of those teens. Unfortunately, all it did was get my heart broken, made me grow up too fast, put me in situations I wasn’t prepared for, and eventually, got me a son at 19. I should say, 19 with no education, no money, no nothin’…except a very skewed vision of the world.

That same son, who is now 16 (and thinks HE knows it all!), is one of the kids who doesn’t see a problem with having sex. I don’t know whether I’m lucky or not, but my kids are open enough with me that I know he’s had sex, he’s discussed it with me, I know the girls he has been with, and I know when. (After, of course. He’s not dumb enough to tell me beforehand.) I’ve talked to this kid – practically since birth – about how important it is to “save” yourself, not do the deed until you’re deeply in love and committed to the other person, mentally/emotionally/physically/financially/educationally/etc ready to deal with whatever consequences there may be…I’ve talked to him about all of it. He’s experienced life with a single mom – and he’s seen me struggle, and known (firsthand) the things he’s missed out on by not having had the benefits of being born into a loving marriage, with parents who were ADULT – not to mention financially secure and actually had a clue who they were themselves – and yet he STILL does it. It drives me crazy.

I worry so much about the teenage group – and I’m downright scared for the kids coming up behind them. It makes me sad to see my son and his friends put such a lighthearted spin on sex…it’s no longer a gift you give to someone, and share it only with that person. Nope. The attitude now is almost like the more, the merrier.

I’ve seen and heard about the kids who take pledges to remain virgins – but even those kids make me wonder if they’re being honest – or just putting on the show to parents they can’t talk to. I know it’s really hard being a teenager today (I thought my generation had it hard – but there’s no comparison to today) – but sleeping around won’t fix anything. It’s like I tell my son: I think this generation is looking to fill the void created by society and parents who throw “things” at them, rather than giving them what they really need and want: time and love. When you’re a working single mom, holding down 2 jobs and raising kids by yourself, and you’re just so exhausted at the end of the day that you can hardly breathe, much less make dinner, do homework, laundry, etc – and you have a kid who is demanding your time and attention, it’s very easy to buy them the latest video game to shut them up and give you 5 minutes of peace. It may be easier…in the short run – but what happens in the long term?

I think these kids are having so much sex because, for that 3 minutes (which is about all it is when you’re a teenager), they feel loved, cared for, and connected to another person. Right or wrong, it is what it is. And for kids who are longing for human connection, I suppose that’s better than nothing.

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how it got this far before it became such a serious issue people felt we needed to deal with. What I do know is that we will see countless more “kids having kids”, and children growing up without the concept of how special sex can be, before anything changes. IF it changes at all.

I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to write an essay in response – but this topic really touches my heart. I’ve laid down the law extremely clearly to both my boys (16 & 13) – get a girl pregnant out of wedlock and you WILL do the right thing…or you WILL be disowned while I step in to take care of your mess. I want them to understand how serious it is (and we’re only talking about pregnancy here, not about disease), how there can be extreme consequences to your actions, and how we will NOT be part of the problem…the problem, being absent fathers (which they both have had) will end HERE. I don’t know if they take me as serious as I am…and I pray we never have to find out.

Great topic – then again, great blog. You always make me think – I just don’t always write a book in response!

(And I wanted to comment on your comment on my blog – you said, “ps I often don’t like my daughter however, I always love her..hope it’s the same for you…” Unfortunately, it isn’t. She’s the kind of mother who has called Social Services on me 7-8 times, saying I don’t feed the kids, don’t care for them, etc. You’ve seen pictures of them on my blog – they look neglected, don’t they?? Anyway, I wanted to mention how lucky your daughter is. I would give anything for my mother to love me and support me, just because I’m her only daughter. That isn’t the case at all – in fact, it’s the complete opposite from that – and I could seriously rock your world with some of the things she’s done. I am trying like mad not to have that sort of relationship with my daughter – or my boys, for that matter. I tell them all the time that even though I may not like their choices, actions, or behavior, but I will always love them – no matter what. And I mean that – there isn’t anything they could do to make me stop loving them. I guess some people just weren’t cut out to be mothers, huh? But I’ll tell you from your daughter’s standpoint, since she may not tell you herself, thank you. Thank you for loving her – especially through the difficult times. Whether you’re 7 or 77, knowing your mom loves you means the world.)

And besides – I LOVE YOU!

xx,
Katherine

# 27 October 2009 at 8:13 am

Kay Dennison said:

I find this entire subject annoying brcause I feel that too many people don’t pay attention to what their children are doing or blow this behavior off by saying, “What can I do? They’re all doing it?” I heard that too many times before I blew and said, “Aren’t we supposed to be telling them why they shouldn’t.

When this sort of thing started in high school when the Dynamic Duo was in high school. I told them point blank how things would be should they ignore what their dad and I thought was right on this issue. When I told a friend what I’d done, she said, “You scared the hell out of them.” I told her I hoped I had because they needed to understand the consequences of of such behavior. The result is my daughter is 32 and happily single with no children; my son is 34 and happily married for 9 years with two little boys ages 6 and 8.

What galls me is if I get invited to a baby shower for a 15-tear-old. As much as I love babies, I refuse to validate/celebrate this behavior. If it’s a good friend’s child/grandchild, a gift will come after the birth. Some people think I’m mean but I won’t give an inch on this issue. Until parents take control and start teaching their children right from wrong again instead of shrugging and saying, “They’re all doing it.”, we will be seeing this. I can still hear my mother asking, “If everyone else jumps off the Anthony Wayne bridge, are you going to do it, too?” It was the code phrase that the subject was closed and I wasn’t going to be doing what everyone else does. When I was raising my kids, I wished for that bridge to appear here to help make my point.

# 27 October 2009 at 4:26 pm

Diane J Standiford said:

Bravo! Love must been seen and felt to learn how to give it in a healthy way.

# 27 October 2009 at 6:16 pm

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# 27 October 2009 at 11:16 pm

Lola said:

The sad thing is, while you can teach your own children well, not every parent does. If they are faced with a date who thinks that teen sex is cool, normal, expected everything you’ve taught them means nothing with peer pressure.

I have a very immature 16 year old daughter with a mental illness. So far she is not interested in boys, other than crushing on teenage tv stars. Her dating scares the daylights out of me. I also have a soon to be 15 year old son. He isn’t interested in girls yet, although he discovered internet porn at his dad’s house awhile ago. I don’t let him online at my house unless I’m supervising. (His dad has no common sense.)

# 28 October 2009 at 12:41 am

Tina t said:

I have one son who will soon be a teen and another who is right behind him. My kids go to a small Christian school, and they’ve been fairly sheltered, but I’m shocked when I hear bits of conversations from other kids their age. Surprisingly, some of the girls seem to say the most offensive things. I agree with what Grampy said about how even when you raise your kids a certain way you can’t be sure how the kids that they want to hang out with have been raised.

If my boys start complaining about how a friend’s mom or dad is very strict, then I am inclined to think “great, that’s a good friend for my kid.” Just like if they say that someone’s mom or dad is “cool” I think big red flag.

The subject of sex has become such a big issue at younger ages that even the Christian schools have a biblical based “science of life” class starting in 5th grade. It’s not quite sex ed, but it gives the basics and lets kids know that they should wait for marriage.

It’s a tough and uncomfortable topic as a parent, especially since the conversation needs to happen younger than ever these days. The only thing that gets me through these conversations is knowing that there are so many messages out there about sex and I want to make sure that our message is heard too.

# 28 October 2009 at 1:47 pm

Bring Back Pluto said:

It’s never too early to talk to your kids about love, sex, and even marriage and what it means. Parents need to be more on top of this.

And all us bloggers need to discuss it more and make it a topic that’s not so taboo!

Thanks!

# 28 October 2009 at 4:20 pm

Priscila said:

Great post!!! Love it!!! Got me thinking alot about my boys and how to raise them!
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# 28 October 2009 at 7:30 pm

Melanie B said:

thank you for stopping by! Let me know if there’s anything you have questions about regarding my Avon post. Buying online is so convenient now!

This was a great post by the way. You don’t talk to many “mature” women that will give a perspective about this as you have. It is openness and honesty that really hits home with children. It also obviously opens a child up a little and makes them feel comfortable sharing.

# 28 October 2009 at 7:51 pm

Buckeroomama said:

Great post. I think the responsibility lies greatly on how the parents bring up their children, which when I think about it makes me feel the weight of my responsibility toward my own two kids. One can only hope that one has done all one can with regard to teaching and modeling proper values, etc. and pray that the lessons have sunk in.

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# 1 December 2009 at 12:14 pm