Family or Friend Fights can hurt so much forever..
What I learned from a family disagreement
All families have disagreements and most of them will improve with a little time and patience or so I thought until now, and when relatives become estranged there is the chance they can never repair the damage or when they do it can be too late. This can also take place with friends and if there is anything this wise old lady of 63 years of age learned it’s to think before I speak (if that’s possible) and ask myself during that thinking time if what I’m going to say will make things better or worst and then hopefully your compassionate and you don’t want to hurt a friend or family member thus you’ll not say anything at least for the instant and you’ll respond when your not angry.
Now really, doesn’t that seem like the simple and best philosophy we can have to keep peace within our friendships and family thus enjoying all the different aspects of our history and life with those important people? Have there been friends and family you’ve given up in your life and never seen or spoke to again and if so did a lot of time go by and in the end in your own mind and heart were there many times you wished you’d handled it differently so it might have had a better outcome? They say there are certain periods during life that there is much anxiety and pressure and during those times it’s when families or friends tend to disagree and pull apart and when you look back what’s really sad sometimes you can’t even remember what you were angry about thus I wonder if things could have been handled differently and the conclusion only an argument and the preservation of the bond you worked so hard to build sustained.
Clearly I never suggest you keep a connection that is mentally or physically abusive, hats off to all of us who are able to get rid of those kinds of relationships they are poison and will consume you until you’re able to break free. However, often there are associations where you’ve been a big part of someone’s life and then a confrontation and all of a sudden you forget the history and things you loved most about this person and in one moment it’s over and I wonder is this the way it is everywhere or is there some magic word which can repair problems within and show people how to make peace and learn to forgive and forget and move forward stronger and wiser for the experience.
Not being innocent of this occurrence several years ago I was in a business with a person I thought would protect and cover me forever, it wasn’t so and my life changed dramatically forever and truly I’ve never recovered from what I believed was a betrayal although I was able to move on and make the best of my life it was never to be what I’d hoped for and to this moment I’m not the same as I was before this happened. Therefore I’m not the best to give advice on this and when I watch family and friend disruption I wonder what I might say that could help and not feel like a fraud as I’ve never overcome my experience so maybe the golden rule will help here, do on to others as you would like done onto you and stop saying hurtful awful things just shut up and keep it to yourself until you’ve thought about the next few years and how you may feel not having someone you love in your life because of something you can’t change and won’t make you feel better because you ousted them from your everyday existence. After all my battles, fights, disagreements, I wish I knew then what I know and feel now therefore tell me have you seen this with your family and friends or am I really out of my mind today.
This is a great post, and reminds me of some of the friendships I’ve lost or walked away from over the years. Almost two years ago, someone tried so hard to be in my life. After feeling used, abused, and treated like a door mat, I asked this person not to contact me again. Finally, after threatening to file a harassment order, the person finally left me alone. This person hates me now, but I feel more comfortable with this than when this person put me on a pedestal and felt I was their savior.
I’ve also had some family disagreements over the years, and I’ve found these harder to walk away from. It’s family. What I have found works the best, for me, is to state my case clearly and without anger, then move on with my life (as you have said so wisely). In the case above, I learned when to use silence effectively (after having said “leave me alone” so many times, I lost my temper and exploded. I should have kept my mouth shut–silence can speak volumes sometimes.
Good post. Hugs to you, and thanks for commenting on my blog again.
The ones we love the most are the ones who can hurt us the most. I’ve had to “divorce” a few friends in the past myself. I’m trying to get my sister to do the same to two of her friends who I feel are draining her of her energy. I still haven’t convinced her though.
When you said, “In one moment you forget everything you ever loved about this person.” (I paraphrased) It’s so true. Just like that, it’s over.
This is so sad. And you know what’s even worse?!
I’d say, over the last 15 years, 80% of all my arguments have been via email. Now isn’t that lame! I’m just piggybacking on your whole point. If you’re going to end a relationship, make sure it’s done IN PERSON, and you’ve thought it through. And never via email/text, etc.
Like you said, THINK HARD before YOU SPEAK…..OR TYPE!!!
This happens, I’m sure, to most of us at some time. It is especially difficult to handle when the holidays are approaching. Sometimes I think of The Serenity Prayer, and try to change the things I can and accept those which I cannot. Forgiveness is key, but not always reciprocated. And you’re so right. People do need to think, not just before they speak, but before they act. Hug those close to you and pray for those who have closed the door.
“Have there been friends and family you’ve given up in your life and never seen or spoke to again and if so did a lot of time go by and in the end in your own mind and heart were there many times you wished you’d handled it differently so it might have had a better outcome? ”
Yes, I have had to eliminate certain friends over the years when I realized they were TOXIC for me. And, it was VERY painful to do so. I may not have handled it the best way, but for me, the ONLY positive outcome was walking away for good.
Dorothy,
I think family estrangements are more common than many people think. Often people seem to avoid discussing the existence of such estrangements… either because they are too hurtful to rehash/explain or because they feel a certain “stigma” so-to-speak (for lack of a better phrase) that there is an estrangement in the family.
The golden rule principle you mentioned really is wise. I watched live video from the Peace Summit in Vancouver (it was back in September 2009, I believe) and they talked of an initiative that launched a few days ago called the Charter for Compassion. Your golden rule comment took my brain straight to their work.
I haven’t had a chance to blog about the Charter for Compassion initiative yet because I have had several friends suffer losses recently and I have been focusing on trying to support them as best as I am able.
However, I think you’d find the Charter for Compassion interesting. I won’t link to the project here because I don’t generally leave site addresses in blog comments – but if you are interested in learning more about it, it should be easy to find just by Googling it.
Jeanne
Thanks for popping over to my blog and your lovely comments! I like this post ~ family ~ they are funny things ~ no?
Thanks for your nice words on my blog!
I agree, do on to others as you would like done onto you is really a golden rule.
Have a great day!
What a very thought-provoking post!
Yes, you’re right – family members do argue for no good reason and things are never the same again, and what’s more, often that bad feeling spills over and affects other members of the family who have absolutely no idea what went wrong, but their feelings get changed anyway. This has happened in my own family with a cousin who has been ostracised and no-one outside that particular argument can understand why. However, it stops some people inviting her to events in case they offend someone else, and that really IS sad.
I think we have to remember that we can’t choose family and there are going to be some we can’t be true friends with because they are so different from us in terms of moral values, and what they want from life etc. You can choose friends though, and over the last three or four years I’ve lost two.
If a friend suddenly seems to ‘turn’ on you, what do you do? Well, my way is to do exactly what I’d hope others would do with me (do unto others as you would have done to you – that is my philosophy), but it doesn’t always work. Neither of these two people wanted to talk things through. Neither could see my point of view despite me trying my best to let them know – without accusation, without swearing (sadly, both swore at me) how they had hurt me. In the end, I had to just let them go. By their actions they’d proved that they were not the people I had thought they were, and having them in my life was too stressful.
It’s very sad when these things happen. It is very true that often it’s misunderstanding or ‘lashing out’ that causes the problem, but sometimes it’s simply that the friendship has run its course. You get to the point where you find out what the person is truly like after the ‘honeymoon’ period where everyone is trying to be likeable and it doesn’t always work out.
Or maybe you end up on the receiving end of what you describe; too much heat and anger, not enough thought, not enough forgiving. Relationships are one of the hardest things in the world to get right sometimes.
Hi! Yes, I wasn’t on speaking terms with my father for quite sometime. Over time, far too long, it resolved itself and all is well now, and, just as well as he is getting on a bit. For those who have experienced the same thing and are still not talking, make up before it’s too late.
Take Care,
Peter
I was wandering on web for speech writing help and found your website; it was a relief because I have got all the information now.
Hi, this is really a wonderful post. i just had a fight wiht one of my friends and was feeling little depressed. i was wondering if i hurt my friend unnecessarily. so i was googling and came across this site. i am happy to read this blog. and i understood that i did hurt my friend my friend unnecessarily for no reason. i could have kept quiet and everything would have been fine. thanks for acting as an eye opener. god bless you:D
Leave your response!
Favorite Sites to Visit
Categories
Recent Comments
Recent Viewers
Archives
Recent Posts
Visit Saving Cinderella
Lijit Search
Most Commented