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Blogging and it’s importance to the before, after and my future

David — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 23:47:31 +0000

I looked at my before and after photo from January of 2008 when I was in the depth of chemo for my Ovarian Cancer and I was horrified at the pictures, I was sure it wasn’t me, how could I look that scary and sick and at the time and not realize what condition I was in?

None of my family or friends let on as to how they must have felt when they looked at my face and into my eyes, instead their behavior indicated I was doing well and I would be just fine. Thus, when you view these photos would you agree they had to believe otherwise, as I was diagnosed Ovarian Cancer stage 3b and I know what I’d be thinking if I was looking at someone who looked like me above (I better spend as much time with her as I can because she looks pretty sick to me).

Therefore another reason for blogging, I had the opportunity to share my life with you and tell my story as it unfolded, it became part of my healing process giving me hope that you my blogging friends and readers would pray for me think of me and send well wishes which you did. Thus, you can imply or believe computers, websites, blogs and social media are a passing phase, although already time has proved it’s not so and the ability to self start with a blog as they become more user friendly, will continue to gain more popularity and followers along with the average person being able to put themselves on line, opening up the avenue for them to blog their hearts away and us to learn and support you.

And this morning when I woke up and felt grateful for still being alive, and how wonderful it feels to share that with you, I once again wanted to say thank you to the world of blogging and may more of us be able to share of lives, past, present and future and I hope you enjoy my photos which scared the hell out of me.

Shame, do you know it?

Kelly — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:00:00 +0000

I mentioned in my Cancer update how powerful the word Shame felt to me. Probably because I’ve felt so much in my life regarding being ashamed of this and that; we’ll explain more another time. It’ll be a whole chapter in our grammology book.

My mom as I’ve mentioned was big on guilt, fear, and yes shame. She taught us to recognize our faults and work hard to improve them. We resented every moment however, always seemed to be trying to be better people.

Today as I look around at our families, I wonder how many of our children have ever felt any of those things. If I were to ask my grandchildren what they were ashamed of I think they might respond that they didn’t have some designer shoes or clothing item. Does that simply explain that there is something going on here that needs addressing? Yes, I’m convinced my blessed grandchildren would not understand the meaning of shame. Mr. Powell was referring to how many of our youths were dropping out of high school before graduation today and he was ashamed as to how we got here. I am as well.

An education is one of the most important tools we can give our youth today. It’s critical to their future and lifestyle. Imagine what it must be like for the children who are unable to read and write. How can they use a cell phone or a computer much less, manage their existence today. As Mr. Powell is striving toward helping our adolescence with their diplomas; I wish him success as he brings awareness to the broken system we face with our students today. While working on education I hope we are able to teach them to feel guilt, and shame as well. Building values with education. A big job however, our children are worth the efforts.

So how do we begin to teach our children the importance of strong values and when to feel bad for something they’ve done? It’s not alright to lie, cheat or steal. Is it simply looking at the Ten Commandments and reestablishing principles which have been around for years? As I consider the commandments and the old “do on too others rule”, it’s almost unbelievable. There are two simple rules which could help us all live better lives. Yet realistically what are the chances of helping our children consider recognizing those simple values. Doing onto others and getting more familiar with the Ten Commandments?

I personally hadn’t given a lot of thought to the Ten Commandments. I think about doing on to others as I would want done onto me. I’ve shaped most of my life considering how my actions will affect others. I’m big with the guilt, shame, and fear of God. You see mom made us understand our actions here have an impact on our eternity. I want to go to heaven and to me and my siblings it meant living a good life. And we all try to do that as we raise our families. We are not perfect however, we clearly understand right from wrong and we try hard to live honest and good lives.

If we are going to be better parents, perhaps we should consider some of the old values. You’ve heard me talk about commitments and obligations. Now possibly we should all think about what shame means to us. Ponder and ask our children if they can relate to the word. Are they ashamed when they lie? Do they feel badly if they make a promise to us and don’t keep it? I looked the word up and here are a few buzz words for your thoughts:

Negative emotions, combines feelings of dishonor, unworthiness, and embarrassment

Capacity to feel unworthy, the capacity or tendency to feel shame

State of disgrace, a state if disgrace or dishonor, or to bring shame on the family

This is just some of the explanations I read. See for yourself and ask your kids what they think shame is. You might be surprised as to their reactions. I enjoyed rethinking my values. It gave me more to consider as I speak to my daughter and her family. We always look for new ways to make a point. We are never here to criticize; we are here to grow and be a strong and inspired family filled with values learning as we grow.

We don’t always succeed however, as Jen said when she recently wrote a guest post for us, we are a work in progress. That’s why I am sharing this new revelation inspired by Mr. Powell and his current fight for high school diplomas for our kids today.

Considering some of our ancient values may work well with our education system. I hope to stimulate you to rethink old values and introduce them to your family hoping it’s a great influence on their lives and futures.

Thanks Mr. Powell and next; Chris Rocks mom….I like that lady already…I’m going to purchase her book….

What do you think?

Dorothy

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7 Responses to “Shame, do you know it?”

Stacy on April 16th, 2008 at 3:31 am

Thank you for taking the time and energy to post your blogs. You have great insight on life and please KEEP SHARING as long as you are up to it. I found your site through my friend’s blog and will definitely keep referring back to yours!

I’m a first time mommy, and we are taking catechism classes to join a church. They start at the very beginning, creation, etc etc. But right now we are focusing on the commandments. And you’re right, they still apply to everyday life and we need to be sure to instill them into our children!!
Tammy on April 16th, 2008 at 8:26 pm

Thank you so much for sending good vibes to our friends. I’m sending good vibes to you too.
grammolo on April 16th, 2008 at 10:13 pm

Stacy and Tammy thanks for commenting and sending me good vibes. I’m doing better today…even able to write…hurray…

Dorothy
Robin on April 17th, 2008 at 12:24 pm

Well, someone once told me, it’s what you do (or not do) when people AREN’T looking that really says something about who you are. My parents taught me many values, appreciation, guilt, shame…and I’ll tell you, I think they were tough at times, but I am so thankful for the way they raised me. It IS important to teach one’s children these things…where else will they get it? I think it used to be in schools (and to a point still is)…but our schools are different nowadays than what they used to be. Most children do not experiences guilt or shame when they’ve misbehaved or haven’t fulfilled their simple duties of being a student ie: doing homework, coming to class prepared with a writing utensil, being respectful….
Very interesting blog…it’s tough to BE TOUGH, but so worth it in the long run!
love you Dorth!
Robin
Nikki V (marys old friend) on April 17th, 2008 at 3:09 pm

Hi Gramma Dorthy,
It’s Nikki i haven’t been on grammology in a while so i knew i needed to read, update, and hear the new news. I’m so sorry to hear about the cancer and all when Mary had told me a few weeks ago i had tears coming down my face. I thought for such a upbeat and going all the time gramma i felt you were the wrong person to get this awful disease. i recently tore my acl in cheerleading and had surgery about a week ago. Reading your blogs will be my daily routine from now on while i lay in bed and, progress to get better. They really touched me and i’ve always looked up and thought twice about what you had to say to Mary and I. I hope everything works out well and WISh YOU THE BEST ALWAYS!. i Miss You very much!!
grammolo on April 17th, 2008 at 4:34 pm

Nikki, heres wishing you the fastest recovery. I’m really feeling much better now. I know what to expect and that helps. I miss you guys and when Mary gets back from California lets try to see each other…hugs Grammy..
grammolo on April 17th, 2008 at 4:36 pm

Robin, if we can only get this message out…it could be so good for our kids. They need to feel guilt, fear and shame in order to have good values…when you fear nothing you’ll stop at nothing…when you have no shame..oh well there are no consequences. We have to find a way….and I suspect…I will..

All my best hugs and love…
Dorothy

Who are the Sinners?

Kelly — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 04:00:00 +0000

Are you a Sinner?

I was saying my morning prayers today, and of course part of it asks me to be a better person and obtain forgiveness for my sins. For the first time in years I stopped for a moment in mid prayer and asked myself what my sins were. I was somewhat perplexed as I remembered my childhood upbringing and the MORTAL SIN…. Oh well I thought, I hadn’t lied, I do swear (however don’t think it’s a sin unless you use the Lord’s name in vain) and I couldn’t come up with anything bad. Now that can’t be so, as all of us are sinners (aren’t we). So what do you think? When you say your prayers and ask forgiveness of our Lord. Do you go over where you’ve gone wrong? Do you ponder and ask God to help you be a better person? I do and at 61 I’m still scared to death of the MORTAL SIN, and I’m not even Catholic anymore. However, I want to go to heaven and somewhere in my small brain it’s been instilled I can’t go to heaven if I die with that sin on my soul. Is that incredible and have you ever given that any thought?

I have this edge which I’m trying hard to eliminate. I’ve been in business for over 29 years outside the residence. Worked in my home for 13 years and I’ll say I’ve had my share of harsh moments. I’ve noticed when you are negative at work it’s hard not to take it home. Everyone suggests you leave it at the door however, I’m not sure in my past, and I’ve been able to do that. I know I didn’t even give thought to whether or not I came home calm or miserable. Now spending this time without the outside influence, even when you’re sick it seems my psyche in a different zone.

One of my other prayers said I cannot cause pain, and that got me thinking. When I tell people what I really think and I know sometimes it’s going to hurt them, does that mean I sinning? So before I even finished my first prayer I had more questions then answers. And I wondered can you help me please. Could some of you let me know what you really think a sinner is? I’m not sure in the true sense and I was hoping you could give me a few sentences which gave me your interpretation of the offender…

Please guys this time I really want to know. I did finish my prayers however, I have no idea of others feelings on this subject…I’ll erase this post in a few days if I get no comments. It’ll tell me I’ve crossed the line, that I’m going wacky because of the Cancer. And I’ll never ask again…

My best, Dorothy

13 Responses to “Who are the Sinners?”

teeni on March 28th, 2008 at 4:52 am

I cannot speak for God, but my opinion is that if you tell someone something that is going to hurt them, you are not sinning so long as you are doing it with their best interests at heart. It may hurt a two-year-old’s feelings when you slap their hand, but you would still do it to keep them from touching a hot burner on the stove. And you never really can tell what is going to hurt someone or how they will take it. You can only truly regret NOT having said something. Again, just my opinion.
grammolo on March 28th, 2008 at 11:37 am

teeni, thank you so much for giving me your thoughts, which by the way I concur with. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you continue to enjoy our site.

Dorothy
Kellyanne Davis on March 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

I was raised Catholic, but I no longer agree with this religion.
I don’t believe in the fire and brimstone system and that any one religion is the right or wrong one. I don’t care if you worship a tree. If you are a good person who tries not to hurt anyone and helps out when they can, this is just a version of the way you interpret God, goddess,Budda or what what ever.
As for sin: you might have a probolem if you go into it willingly.
Debbie Lane on March 28th, 2008 at 7:02 pm

Did you know that the word sin comes from an archery term? To “sin”, is to miss the mark. So, when we sin, all we have done is miss the mark. Perhaps with more target practice, we’ll learn the lesson and get it right. I do my best, yet still at times, I hear the voice of God whispering in my ear, “You’re no William Tell yet, my dear.”
grammolo on March 29th, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Debbie and Kelly thanks for your thoughts and Debbie for the information I love the William Tell aspect. I haven’t checked my email however, I hope I received one from you Debbie so we can get your information on the site.

Thanks for stopping by guys…..Dorothy
Diane Lamberson Ingman on March 30th, 2008 at 1:29 pm

The essence of sin is living indepedently of God. Yes , I sin

Church Inspired me Today

Kelly — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 04:00:00 +0000

I was able to attend the Wesleyan Church today. I love to go there, when I come out I always feel like I’m going to try to be a better person. Not that I don’t try anyway, however, it gives me more motivation to try harder.

The theme for the morning was sharing your story. How did you find Jesus? I listened as the Pastor told some stories. Her thinking was good, I understood her mission. Make us think about how we got here. That there was someone who loved us no matter what. That we could sulk, cry, whine or beg and he would listen. Our journey may not be the one we wanted however, he would be there to get us through it. And in the end, we would have what we all want eternal life. I found myself asking Jesus to make my life longer as I had lots more to get done. Although, I couldn’t quite remember what specific time I knew I had found Jesus. My husband and I agreed it’s been forever; we just knew and couldn’t think of anytime he’d not been in our lives. I even remembered when I was mad at Jesus and I wouldn’t speak to him for awhile.

So now the pastor had me thinking about my journey with Cancer, and how I wanted to be healed. To understand what I was destined to learn about health and how it had changed my life already. What was my message? What was I suppose to do with what I was learning?

I know there are serious issues with infection in the hospitals. There are serious flaws in the way they clean and prepare a room for the next patient. There needs to be much more training for the cleaning personal. Procedures improved to change how they clean and sanitize rooms. Thus becoming an ally verses an enemy to the next person in the room and the health care giver, who knows conditions today are less then acceptable regarding the room and its hygienic standards. This can only be changed by giving the cleaning people more education and better tools to use. Not criticism, as they are doing what they know. We need to change how we clean and sanitize rooms and teach the personal the new standards for this century of infection and disease.

Also recognize the care givers, doctors, nurse, and aides are often so understaffed and overworked it’s hard to maintain a positive attitude with their patients, although they try. Communicating more with them, they are on the front line, to see what can be done to help.

Maybe this is my mission, and why God has given me this journey. Then I asked myself when you are barely surviving the days, how do you join in on the battle to help?

Is this what I was going to learn while fighting for my life? If so, when would I be able to apply my strengths and make a difference with what I’d learned? I think I have to figure that out, however, I know one thing. I will follow through, and God will give me the strength to see some change. It may be in my future. However, as I grow stronger, I will get out there and make my voice heard.

So stand by, as we embark on a battle for all of us. And if you think I’m exaggerating, ask friends or family you know who have recently experienced an infection from a hospital or from a stay in a nursing home or place where they have physical therapy. You may be surprised.

I’m glad we have these places; I’d just like to help them wipe out passing on infections to their clients…. Most of us will need some kind of medical care during our lives. Let’s think about how we can make it a safer place with little chance of infection or disease induced from the institution itself. Something we can once again take for granted.

And now I’ll think about my journey, and what I decided, as I went to church today at Eastern Hills Wesleyan Church and became inspired once again. See what I meant, by going to church always makes me stronger and better. And now I have a new task; one which will make things better for more of us in the future. Isn’t that what life is making a difference? Thanks Eastern Hills you’ve inspired me again.

One Response to “Church Inspired me Today”

Passion or Strictly Business? | eMoms at Home on March 17th, 2008 at 2:24 am

[...] Stahlnecker’s last blog post..Church Inspired me Today 11. On March 11th, 2008 at 6:51 pm, Bob Younce [...]

Is your life and love personal or material

Kelly — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 04:00:00 +0000

What do you think is the most important part of your life? Is it material, or is it personal? What is the difference between material (home, car, money in bank) and personal (people you love, family, children) etc etc. My daughter got me thinking about this when she surprised me and said……I learned something about love mom and what I think it really means. Hmm I thought where is this going? If someone you know dies and you feel no personal reaction to their being gone….you couldn’t have loved them. You might have admired them, or liked them, and even may miss them….however if there is no loss in your life. You probably didn’t love them. What do you think mom, do you agree? My jury is still out on her analysis however, it got me thinking more about what I do with family, friends and my job which helps accumulate all the material things.

Time spent with my family was the most important thing I could do although, there were still plenty of times when I did have to choose work. I always weighed in at its importance to my financial future so I could provide for their needs. It was never because of what I wanted always because of a commitment I had and would be determined to keep…I believe there is a critical time in most careers and their success that takes away from the home and family but in the end brings financial success and time to make up later. There of course are those who take advantage of working and would rather not be with family using their job as a reason for not being home and even when they can never catch up.. Who are you? Do you love your family? And are they the reason you work hard so they are well taken care of while you’re here and after? I know my answer and I would bet anyone who knows me will say…my first love is our family. We do as much as we can together. Speak to each other all the time and rarely miss an important event in each others lives. Having many dinners together as breaking bread and just talking to each other is another way to share the love.

The car, home and table settings are pale to the feelings a warm hug and smile can bring to my heart and soul. And something I couldn’t have understood is the love our grandchildren give us. Each day is filled with something new…some good and others well challenging. However, my cup is truly filled. And I very well know the difference between material and personal. And Sherry’s thoughts about loving and loosing go hand and hand with my question of who you are material or personal. And now that I’ve asked the question given the choices which do you want to be? Maybe you’ve mistakenly thought building a fortune instead of a family was more important…now that you know it, dare to ask yourself, are you fulfilled and if not is there something you can still do to feel needed and loved by someone somewhere.

Sometimes personal is management intense…down right irritating and inconvenient. Or costing you a lot of money you may find yourself saying why I would choose this route its so dam hard. Even when life is tough and all days aren’t good days. Make no mistake. The smiles, the warmth and oh that love that got me thinking about material verses personal is overwhelmingly worthy of the harsh times. For when you hear I love you mom, gram, sis, brother, friends etc … it’s a wonderful world. I wake up feeling I’m needed loved and filled with joy. Thank you God and never let me forget how important this is to life. My life and hopefully yours now that you’ve read this post….

My best, Dorothy…..

6 Responses to “Is your life and love personal or material?”

Grammology – The Self-Help Blog – MyBlogLog on February 25th, 2008 at 5:18 am

[...] to Google Latest Content Is your life and love personal or material? – 8 hours ago What do you think is the most important part of your life? Is it material, or is it [...]
Kellyanne Davis on February 25th, 2008 at 2:58 pm

I loved this entry on family. Just yesterday I woke up early, put on a pot of chicken soup, made some home made bread, and called my parents and my mom-in-law. I needed to have a comfort food dinner with the most important partners in my life.

Cherish the time you have with the ones you love. Sometimes the things that look unimportant from the outside, are the most important to you.

Thanks Dorthory

True Love or Not

Kelly — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 04:00:00 +0000

Kala, my 19 year old granddaughter stopped to visit me with her sister Mary.We started talking about her true love and what it meant to her. How does a young woman know when she’s in love and is it real? I found the conversation interesting as I could see passion and feeling as Kala and I talked. So here is how Kala feels about her first true love.

Kala and her Friend Samantha

Kala tells me she was best friends with this man before they ever entered into their physical relationship. They could spend hours talking. They always wanted to be together, yet were able to live normal lives at the same moment. They had there time and usually knew when the other needed space. This relationship went on for quite a while. When it broke up Kala was different. She was mature and seemed to realize what she had just learned. She was sad however, somehow seemed to realize this too would pass.

We further discussed how her sexual part of the relationship was and I was pretty surprised at her comments. She was filled with a mutual bonding which they shared, each understanding the other’s needs. It never felt anything but natural to Kala. This to me was unusual when you consider their ages. Yet currently she has not been able to replicate anything close to what she knew during this time. It made me wonder if age had anything to do with when you find your soul mate.

Currently she is busy deciding what her future will be. She doesn’t think about her past much. She knows her future today is the most important part of her life. Like Mary she has to decide what will motivate her to get up and want to go to the same place for perhaps the rest of her life. Kala realizes the money you earn from your job is the vehicle that takes you to the places that you want to go. So she has asked her self, “Does she want to travel? Does she want to stay local”? She knows she loves to write; she seems to have a gift with expressing her inter thoughts and connecting them to her readers. If journalism is so special, how would she do this? Would she work as a reporter, would she write a book? Or can Kala see herself as a commentator on TV? I see Kala as a debater. She is heavy into research and understanding what she needs to know to prove her point. She has done this her entire life. She could take you to your knees if you’d let her. When Kala believes in the subject she is discussing, there is no going backwards. She won’t end it until it is over. If it needs to be fixed she won’t stop until she figures out a plan. Understanding Kala makes me wonder if she will end up being an attorney who represents children or women in need, people who otherwise would not have an opportunity to have good council representation. Kala is a fighter, but with a heart who understands right from wrong. With all of these talents and gifts who can predict what she’ll do?

Now she knows exactly how she wants to be treated in a relationship, and what love is and isn’t…and she isn’t giving up that she will find it someday. I hope she takes awhile to work on her career and not focus on love or relationships. There is plenty of time for that part of her life later.

I’m blessed with my granddaughters’ each gives me their point of view regarding their life. They are honest and innocent as they share what they feel, and what they’ve done so far and where they hope to go. If we are ever going to help our children, we need to know what’s happening in their world. Not judge give good advice and hope their history as a family will move them forward making good choices. Our family is always going be the umbrella if and when needed.

Have fun, living life, making choices based on good judgment and past experience. Wisdom in life, will take you through the good, bad and different occurrence out there. We’ll be there to watch and live it with you.

Hugs. Dorothy from grammology

Remember to call gram

3 Responses to “”

Kellyanne Davis on February 22nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm

Dorothy, you have a special relationship with your granddaughters. I had the same relationship with my Nana. It will be with them the rest of their lives. So keep being you!!!

Kelly
FENICLE on February 23rd, 2008 at 2:45 am

I am very impressed with how open and honest she is with you. Plus the fact that she seems to know herself so well. Many young ladies (and men) don’t know themselves. They have no true identity. They just go with the crowd. So kudo’s to her!

Hope you are doing well. I continue to keep you in my daily prayers!!!
grammolo on February 24th, 2008 at 9:33 am

My grandchildren never fail to crack me up…Kala who this is about approved my article. They tell me all and I hope I can keep it coming. Sometimes, just saying whats on your mind gives it some hope. Thanks for your comments guys..I’m feeling better..can you tell..
hugs gram

When Friends Take Too Much

Kelly — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 04:00:00 +0000

Here is a post from a friend of mine. She wonders under the blanket of friendship, how much do you tolerate and give and still call it a friendship. While I’ve discussed the different kinds of friendships that exist, here’s one that I didn’t think of. Let us know what you’d do…I think my friend could use some of your thoughts. My best…and thanks for this post…

Can You Out Grow a Friend?

After you have been friends for many years, is it possible to not be able to understand the one person in your life that you thought you were sure of? I wonder this every day lately. For many years, other people have had other opinions of my best friend. I have never been a follower, so this did not bother me.

This year was the year that my friend and her family moved away. They come back often for business purposes. Each time they come back they do things that I would never do to a stranger, let alone a friend.

Could it be that I was too close to the fire to feel the flame? The extreme selfishness and the need to be the center of attention are ridiculously clear. There seems to be a need to out do my husband and me in every aspect of life. To me, it’s a tragedy to think that I never caught on to this before. Maybe I should not have just brushed off the on going comments that I really did not want to believe.

Now looking back, I won’t say that everyone was correct on all counts, but I guess I should have paid closer attention. Jealously, is the greatest of all illnesses. My heart aches for my friend. I will always be there if needed. I will always cherish our memories. But I fear that our friendship must be pushed to arms length.

“I wish nothing but the best for you my friend, but I can no longer fight your demons”!

4 Responses to “When Friends Take Too Much”

grammolo on February 15th, 2008 at 10:41 pm

from Linda from Grammology

Boy did this hit home as I reassessed a “true blue, forever” friendship a couple years ago and came to the VERY clear conclusion that I was not compatible with this friend and that I wasn’t treated very well in the relationship. A SHOCKING revelation after 20 years! Once the friendship ended, everyone in my life said “it’s about time, we saw it all along.”

Here’s how I look at it, we GROW, we CHANGE, we EVOLVE as women. We get stronger, we get more in tune with our own needs….and then BOOM, something that didn’t seem so clear before seems crystal clear now.

Funny how that happens.

I wish you the cultivation of many wonderful, fulfilling friendships now…friendships that “fill your cup”

Who should we pick for our Partners, Passion or Stability

Kelly — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 04:00:00 +0000

Question, do women give up the great husbands, waiting for the so called soul mate that makes you tingle when you see him? Your heart races, and your body is longing for the next intimate encounter. Is this lust, and can that it be translated into a sound relationship or marriage?

If we knew the answer there would be a lot of happier marriages. Based on the women I’ve spoken too the answer is unclear. There are relationships that started out with the chemistry running wild. However, they concentrated on becoming friend’s giving each other space, getting to know the passion and needs of each other and in the long term, building a stronger union. Did you ever hear that marrying your best friend is not a bad idea? The old adage birds of a feather flock together is not just a saying. If you or your partner share similar lifestyles it has to make your life together easier.

Ask yourself what makes you happy. Is it walking in the park, going out to casual dinners? Does your partner enjoy the same things? Or is he a fisherman who heads out into the wilderness to catch dinner and eat it over an open fire, sleeping under the stars in a tent or sleeping bag. It’s important you have the same dreams for a home, and how it fits in your lifestyle. If he wants to live in the city and you the suburbs or is he a wanderer who doesn’t think roots is part of his life. Better decide if you can enjoy the same way of life. You can bet there will be trouble in paradise if your desires aren’t well matched to the man your choosing to spend a lifetime with. Being with someone you can trust and love or someone who needs his freedom and no responsibility would get old quickly so think it through before you make your commitment. Lust and excitement don’t buy housing, food or clothes for your existence. Be prudent, and don’t make rash or quick judgments. Here are a few other things you might want to discuss before you get serious.

Talk about how you feel about having children, and when you might want this to occur in your life or marriage.

If you will work and contribute to the household expenses, or if you have a career what your partner expects of your work habits. Determining who will pay for what is very important. Today, finances can be separate each paying for their own. This should be clear and known before you marry in order to prevent problems later.

Will you be happy in an apartment, or a farm with animals and vast amounts of land? Are you both willing to work toward that dream home whatever it is?

Who will do the household tasks, determining what you expect from your partner. Cleaning up after each other or if you’ll both share the chores or hire a housekeeper.

Dinner or meal times, how often you like to go out, or will you or your spouse do the cooking. Sharing what your idea of cooking and having meals together, using the time to communicate and strengthen the relationship.

Family, discuss how siblings and parents fit into your lives and what the commitments will be. Celebrating Christmas and holidays tends to be a stressful time knowing what to expect can help keep things moving smoothly.

If there are children from previous relationships what is expected.

So the chemistry can be hot and fiery. The few things we mention above are just that some of the issues which when the intimacy is over…need to be determined in order to have a long and strong commitment to each other.

It’s been noted the guy with the fire in his soul, will warm you for the moment however, doesn’t want an obligation. He needs to see the world, through his eyes, loves life more then he loves you and may not be capable of keeping a job. Are you willing to carry the brunt of the finances? Be the stable person in the family for those hot smoky times he makes you tingle. My discussions with women of all types indicate we need stability, affection and commitment. And at least equal help in getting on with life and the everyday details of surviving.

When we turn our backs we want to know he won’t cheat and if we’re down and out he’ll be there to pick us up and assist us back to reality. Is this sounding more like a good friend verses a hot shot. Who although is a good looking, smooth talking, Don Juan, moves on when things get tough. I’ll bet we are better off taking the guy who is comfortable in whom he is. He’s kind, loves his family. Respects his friends and has a great job. Has thought about his future and already knows what he wants and needs to be happy. Maybe he doesn’t make you tingle when he smiles, or doesn’t seem to have that adventure in him we see in the movies. But behind closed doors, he’s there for you. You’re feeling the same for him. And every once in awhile, you plan that romantic mystery dinner or weekend, and you light the fire, pour the wine and maybe you have the chemistry, adventure and fire as well for those moments. Just maybe it takes planning and working together to learn how to keep each other happy. Just like friends do when they call each other and say..Remember that trip we took a few years ago had a ball shopping, dining and just talking. Want to do that again? And you respond sure.. So instead try treating your husband or partner like a friend and see where it takes you. What can you loose or I mean how much fun you could have. Forget the magic with that reckless good looking guy that is momentary and fleeting. Make your own with the man you love who will be there when you want or need him. It really makes more sense and doesn’t seem to take much to make the smarter choice…

I mean really, I know what I’d do.

My best,

Dorothy

5 Responses to “Who should we pick for our Partners, Passion or Stability”

Mauigirl on February 9th, 2008 at 4:21 am

Great post and advice. My husband is my best friend and we share interests and have the same lifestyle preferences in terms of what we like to do, how we like to do things, and the pace we prefer. All of those things are more important than the “fire” that later goes out.
grammolo on February 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm

Mauigirl, thank you and I hope we can get this message out..With the disgusting press with the Hilton’s, and the Spears I’m afraid our youngest generation is very confused as to what to focus on for their life partner..

Lets keep the information coming in different forms and opinions.

Thanks, Dorothy
FENICLE on February 10th, 2008 at 12:42 am

What a wonderful post with Valentine’s Day this coming week. I think you’ve inspired a post within me! Thank you!! I’m going to link to yours when I get it formed.

As for marriage – I dated a variety of guys and although I may have had the passion or the best friend, none seemed to be the one I could count on for the long-haul. In the end I met a wonderful guy who was the perfect combination. Sure, sometimes our relationship is more passionate and sometimes it’s more about being a friend. I believe our relationship has been tested over the past few years (after my car accident) and if there is anything I know – it’s that I can count on him. No matter what.

Hope you are doing well! I keep you in my daily prayers!!!
Robin on February 12th, 2008 at 11:19 pm

Dorth,
You really do have some great topics!!! I think it’s a combination of both…recently married, my husband has become more my friend and partner than this really exciting thing going on in my life. BUT, I still get a little pitter-pat when it’s his name that appears on my caller ID….I think we’ve lost a little of the passion, and that’s where you’re right: you have to plan some nice nights or getaways…but he is truly my friend, supports me and we have fun together….
Lots of good thoughts…
Take care of yourself…hope you’re feeling okay!
love,
Robin
lizzie on February 20th, 2008 at 3:16 am

Dorothy-
Great advice. Where were you 10 years ago? – I could have used this advice then for sure. Ah, older and WISER now…. I have been thinking so much about you – I hope you are well and thinking healing thoughts. You are strong in your heart and in your head – let them take the lead now.

Much Love,

Lizzie

Do men tell the Truth?

Kelly — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 04:00:00 +0000

My niece asked me how to determine if a potential male friend could be trusted? If there was such thing as truth regarding men and what they tell women. I wonder, what an interesting question. What a loaded question. I’ve worked with men all my career and you always want to believe what they promise…however, it ain’t the way it is.. You learn quickly to cover your backside and depend on yourself to keep you afloat.

After her query, we had much discussion as a family, we pondered. Do they cheat on tests and exams? Will they try to defraud the government on taxes (do we all try to do that)? Are there boundaries as to what a lie is and what will make someone not have to feel bad? A friend asks you if you like her new dress she just purchased. You immediately hate it however, you can see she is delighted with her purchase, and what do you say?

I’m always in trouble as I’d respond, I don’t think I like it. Although maybe I need to see you wearing it with accessories, that could make a big difference? Leaving a chance for a possibly in the future and not having to disappoint someone you care about. Although if your friend says, I can take this back and I really want to know, I would hope that this is different and you tell you’re friend a courteous truth. In other words, don’t say it’s an ugly dress, suggest she’s purchased more flattering or nicer things and this just doesn’t do her justice.

There really is no easy way to being honest. And I think my niece really meant, if you ask a male friend a question shouldn’t he give an honest answer? Even if it’s awkward because you’re wondering does he have a girlfriend or is he married and not just wearing a ring… (First thing to worry about) Married men and women generally wear their rings as a badge of pride. Not hide them in jacket pockets until they pull into the driveway of their homes. You can bet if he lies to his family he’ll sure lie to you. This goes for a wife as well.. Lies are lies and they are not exclusive to men or women. My niece just happened to be wondering about her counter parts men…

So as we continued my wheels were turning and my niece’s heart was racing. She knew only too well the many times already guys had outright lied to her. She was wondering is there anyone who doesn’t.

Honor, integrity, family values, rate high in our family and lately it isn’t something you see a lot of. Our newest generation of kids, think lying is part of life. Cheating gets you through school and college. Stealing ah, the store can afford it. We have to help our kids reach down to the basics. Tell the truth and take the consequences. Another word used loosely, consequences’…who the hell takes them today. A good lawyer will make our victims look worse then the criminal. I don’t know how we can really judge honesty. People forget what they promise and you wonder was it selective or was it a mistake or change in judgment. Got any ideas, I darn well know this was a great question…Not sure where to go from here…Feel bad for women today looking for an honest, loving. hard working family man.. Who knows what to believe? And if they exist.. Any ideas, or comments will be gratefully received…

My best,

Dorothy from grammology

Remember to call gram

12 Responses to “Do men tell the Truth?”

Grannymar on January 29th, 2008 at 8:19 pm

I grew up in a man’s world, so perhaps that helped me to understand them. I have met some terrors on my way through life, but thankfully those close to me were al decent and genuine.
Grannymar on January 29th, 2008 at 8:20 pm

Dorothy it is an honour to be listed on your list of favourites. many thanks.
grammolo on January 29th, 2008 at 11:35 pm

Grannymar, I love your site and enjoy your posts very much. I hope someday, someway we’ll all get together to meet personally. Even if it’s a podcast….

My best, and thanks for your great comments…they are the best…

I’m having a great day…can you tell? It’s 6:30 pm and I’m still typing……

Dorothy
Mauigirl on January 29th, 2008 at 11:49 pm

I think both men and women can be honest or dishonest, depending on their character. In the case of my husband, I trust him completely. I know not all men can be trusted, but the good ones can be. Tell your niece she’ll know an honest man when she finds him.
grammolo on January 30th, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Mauigirl, thank you and I will. She reads this daily..however, it is always great to hear good things from other people…

Nice to hear from you..I’ll be on your site today..

My best,

Dorothy
grammolo on January 30th, 2008 at 9:12 pm

GREAT POST bev
Loz on January 31st, 2008 at 5:02 am

Honesty and dishonesty are human traits – neither male nor female. I’ve been lied to by both and perhaps the difference is simply the motivation for the lie in the first place.
grammolo on January 31st, 2008 at 11:30 am

Loz, this is a great analogy for my niece. However, I continue to be disappointed in our world today, as it is difficult to find role models for our youth who profess truth, integrity and honor.

Is it our jobs to show them we are human; and we can also tell a lie or make a mistake, if we do you try hard to get back on the wagon and make it right? Continue to work towards the truth, when we miss try harder the next time. Does that make sense? Nice to hear from you….this is a tough one, as I’ve made my mistakes..and some I still live with..

Dorothy

Thanks Dorothy
Robin on February 1st, 2008 at 1:10 am

The more I live, the more I see different men in different situations…and although I consider myself “lucky” to be “part of the guys”…WOW sometimes…is the way they talk just a show, or is it really how they think??? I know my own husband, is much more loving and kind when only in my presence…I think there’s such a pressure among men…they don’t talk always about the things we do…lots of good questions…but you will know when you’re with someone you can trust…
grammolo on February 1st, 2008 at 4:00 am

Robin that is a great and different point of view. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. This probably deserves a post of it’s own…want to do one? Especially when I’m not going to be feeling well next week… (let me know)

Love me….
Debb on February 4th, 2008 at 12:09 am

Oh man.. I have a zillion things to say about this topic.
It’s a funny thing, one minute I was sure I could trust him, and the next I was shocked to find out I couldn’t. I don’t think we can tell if a man can be trusted, or a woman for that matter. How about just people in general… We can’t tell until they can’t be trusted. Sometimes there are red flags and in my case there were no flags at all. If there are red flags we usually second guess ourselves or beat ourselves up for thinking it could be a red flag.
There are no sure fire ways to test men on this issue. Some are very good liars. Sometimes we believe them hook line and sinker because we need to believe it’s true. One thing my mom always said which I try to remember: “Don’t put your trust in other people. Know who you are and learn to trust yourself.” Another thing my mom said was… “I trust them as far as I can throw them.” I didn’t listen to her of course and so she wiped my tears.
grammolo on February 4th, 2008 at 2:34 pm

Debb this is such a great comment..there is so much for us all to learn. I’m so glad your mom was there to help when the chips were down. Remember life gives us good and bad, and it sounds like you learned something from the bad. Do not give up on trust, let history and time prove it can be built with someone you care about. There are times when I was sure there were no good men, since then I have met some great husbands who adore, and love their wives along with mine..I continue to be cautious watch, listen and think deeply. Good luck and thank you for sharing your soul with us..there was much to understand and help man of us here.

My best, Dorothy

True Love, give to the marriage account

Kelly — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 04:00:00 +0000

Comment..to grammology

hey sherry my name is capria im 15 years old but my birthday is jaurnary 22 1992. i just wont to ask you how is my year going in 2008 and will i found true love this year.

Above is a comment I received from a reader. I found her question compelling so I had to write a post. Capria, is asking the magic question. Will I find true love? Further, how many married couples do you know who after a few years remember what true love feels like? Do we often settle for less, and why? Or is it right there in front us simply needing to be revitalized?

I think this is an important question as two of my grandsons ages 24 and 26 are getting married this year. I’m convinced both are marrying their true love. Will true love continue for them? It can however, I believe only if you’re willing to work to keep it flourishing. Love can be similar to a bank account. It’s what you put into it that makes it successful, let us consider it the marriage account. Can love be that simple that all we have to do is make the deposit it will grow? I hope my grandsons read this, copy and keep it in their marriage photo album. We all tend to forget what we promised in the beginning and this can help remind you of your commitment to your partner.

Couples who maintain to being happy always seem to know what their partner needs. They aren’t concerned with who did what last, or whose turn it is. They are united where values and their lives exist cooperatively. They deposit in many ways by determining the needs of each other and helping when they can. That same old marriage account we spoke of.

Being aware of what makes each of you happy is part of the account staying filled. The old vows, although some times are modified are really the most outstanding. Straightforward and wholesome; to love, to honor, in sickness and in health, for richer or poor; and of course there is more, however, you get the idea. Being there when needed and not feeling your marriage is management intense. Instead feeling good you are able to stand by your spouse, for whatever is going on, making that marriage account deposit.

In an ideal world, couples would have gotten to know the other persons dreams before they make a commitment to each other. They would have discussed children, the kind of home you each expect. Talking ahead of time, as to whether or not the spouse will work, or if your husband prefers a stay at home wife. If you both are career minded the home will be different. Meals and time together will have to be worked out. If you both work stressful jobs, even small conversation can be demanding, as you may not be up to chit chat when you arrive home from a hard days work. Determining how each will react to those conditions will contribute to a deposit or withdrawal in your marriage. Are you seeing what I mean regarding making a contribution to the marriage account?

You might consider this ancient, and not up to today’s standards with a good marriage. However, sometimes less is more, and here more is better. Of course, if one or the other is not interested in giving it won’t work. Therefore those discussions we mentioned about each others needs above are imperative. So consider..

If either of the couple is selfish, controlling, temperamental, or worse, a narcissist.. You’re destined for failure. And oh, there is in my opinion one big item to consider. Marriages need a unified belief in God. I don’t care what your religion is you need to believe in God as a marriage. And if you can, go to church regularly as a family.

If you’re convinced you found your true love and you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Be willing to work towards maintaining true love the rest of your time together. Make those deposits into the marriage account and don’t forget the effort is worth it. Many couples allow themselves to not remember the happiness they felt when they first met. Don’t be willing to settle for less. Sit down with your partner today, tonight, soon and talk. Remember when you first met and what made you want to be with each other. Decide what you may have forgotten. Determine new ways to bring your marriage back to life. If you were in love before, there’s a good chance you can rekindle it again. It may require time and a lot of effort. However the results will be astonishing. So capria, you may only be 15 however, your question was a good one. And I enjoyed the trip down memory lane.. Now I think I’ll consider how to reawaken the magic in my marriage. This can’t be that hard…I’ll let you know.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope I gave you something to consider in your current relationship or marriage.

One Response to “True Love, give to the marriage account”

Grammology – The Self-Help Blog – MyBlogLog on January 17th, 2008 at 4:05 am

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