Yesterday was a wonderful day when I heard the news from my doctor “a clean bill of health” what more could anyone want…?

I don’t have a doctors appointment until November that speaks volumes…So yesterday was a day I planted my feet on the ground and decided to dig into my day job selling apartments and commercial investments all over the United States.  It feels great and hopefully I’ll have a successful year.

Subsequently while focusing on my job I thought you’d like to know what’s been going through my head the last 8 months.  Was I afraid and what was I thinking when they diagnosed me with a potential terminal disease.

My first thought fear.   What will happen and how long do I have?  No matter what the doctors tell you when you first wake up with all the tubes hanging in four different areas of my body your sure it won’t be long before you die. Especially when the diagnosis is 3-b ovarian cancer; and I have fewer parts along with chemo treatment on the horizon; hence I was convinced my months were numbered.

My objective, make it through the hospital stay and reflect when I get home.  Hospice was very much on my mind; I wished I knew more about the organization and what to expect if I needed it.  My conscious was my enemy and everyone around me seemed distant even if they were by my side.  Therefore the next few days were concentrating on getting home and worry about death later.  If you think I’m exaggerating I’m 100% serious there was nothing that could convince me I would make it through this disease.   I never spoke a word to anyone I silently mourned my demise and began thinking how I could help my family with their future loss ….me!

While healing at home, I began to think more about my family and what I had or hadn’t been able to do with them.  My mom died this past October and she was on my conscience as there was much unfinished business with our relationship and I knew it could never be recaptured. I had to find a way to forgive myself.    Being ill didn’t make it easier it made me feel guiltier.   I began judging everything I’d done wrong.  I didn’t want to focus on what I did right; my conclusion was what I’d not been able to achieve was never going to be alright. I found myself wondering if this is what others imagine concerning their lives, when you think you don’t have much time left or am I just unusual? So a lot of negative thoughts consumed me.

During those first two months there wasn’t a lot of fight in me I was moving from the bed to the chair going through the motions of getting stronger while my mind was sinking into a deep hole.  My family and friends stood by my side from which I will be forever grateful however not at peace with myself. That was until my doctor placed me on my chemotherapy in a room with other women who were doing similar treatments.  There was a tremendous change in my attitude. It was like the gates opened and I could appreciate that I was not alone. Other cancer patients, older then I were in chemotherapy.  They would talk about their days as though they were average, nothing unusual. I wondered where the self pity was there was none.  If I asked them questions they never a hesitated to share how it felt.  They helped me get mentally stronger.   And the chemo-nurses…as I refer to them as my nurses were so supportive.  There wasn’t any question they didn’t answer and there was never a time they didn’t make me feel important.  I wondered how they stayed so strong.  Before I knew it I was feeling like a survivor.  I could do this if they could, and I would.  The veil of darkness was fading.  I was emerging mentally stronger and thinking maybe things weren’t as bad as I first thought.  Perhaps I even had a chance.  There were ladies in the treatment room back again for chemotherapy; several times over many years so why couldn’t I accept this challenge if necessary.  I’d been praying for God’s grace and trying to understand every experience he was giving me in life.  It all seemed to have a purpose and was coming together for me.  I understood.

Every year we survive there is more of a probability for a cure.  So before I knew it they had me…I was going to be part of this group.  The women who defied death and survived cancer, we win.  Subsequently, before I realized it my head was clearing the sun was shining and I was able to think about living again.  I thought about my future and what I’d like to do with my family and friends who had stood by me during my recovery from cancer and its treatments.  We should think about where we are and where we want to be. I try to do that everyday now no self pity or poor me…

Now, I’m filled with courage prepared to survive the challenges one day at a time.  Living is good thanks to everyone who was there while I pondered, lamented and healed.

Once again I’m able to enjoy our blog and I hope you do as well.  Its amazing sharing feelings and hearing about yours. Reading your comments inspires and motivates me to stay alert and learn something new every day. 

Thank You

Dorothy